[Read the actual Bible story from John 8:2-11 here.]
2 At dawn Jesus appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught being problematic.They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught being problematic. 5 The law of Twitter tells us to cancel such people. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. [Either he would have to defend her problematic behavior, or he would have to join the mob in canceling her.]
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who has never done anything problematic be the first to cancel her.”8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one canceled you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I cancel you,” Jesus declared. “Go and sin no more.”
[NOTE: The dialogue that follows below is an example of “satire.” Satire often utilizes exaggeration and silly images, and is certainly NOT meant to be taken literally. Rather, satire uses hyperbole and shock to illustrate a point.]
“The Temptation of Christ” by Ary Scheffer, 1854
Setting: Heaven’s Throne Room. God is seated on the throne. Satan enters.
Satan: Hey God, it’s me.
God: Oh really, you again, what have you been up to?
Satan: Prowling around, looking for who I can devour. You know, the usual. But today I wanted to run something by you.
God: Oh really? What’s that?
Satan: I’d like to bring forth another anti-Christ, designed to deceive your people, particularly in the United States.
God: You know my true Church always stands strong in the end; I don’t know why you try all these pointless schemes. But sure, what do you have planned this time?
Satan: Well, I have a person in mind, and I’d like them to run for President. They’ll claim to be the most pro-Christian candidate ever elected. In so doing they’ll lead a majority of American Christians to become utterly confused about right and wrong.
God: Righhht [skeptical]…tell me more about this person.
Satan: Well, without getting too specific, this person is known to be very greedy and proud, and has a tendency to have lots of affairs and touch people inappropriately—despite being married! They’re also known to twist the truth and lie, even over very tiny facts-in other words, they’ll be fluent in speaking my native tongue. Not to mention, this person has a habit of cheating employees out of wages owed to them.
God: Wow—and you think this person can deceive my Church? Well OK, go on.
Satan: They’ll use foul language a lot.
God: Uh-huh.
Satan: And they’ll generally just criticize, insult, and relentlessly harass anyone who doesn’t immediately bow down in support before them. That’s especially true against women, foreigners, and people who aren’t white, but the target can be anyone.
God: Surely they’ll repent and asked for forgiveness for all these sins?
Satan: That’s the thing—the person I have in mind is so stubborn that they will never publicly repent, and will even claim they’ve never even had to ask YOU for forgiveness either!
God: Haha foolish indeed…now tell me about this person’s political priorities.
Satan: Well, this person LOVES hanging out with dictators and cutting backroom deals with them. Particularly those from North Korea, Russia, China, and other places where your people are persecuted. Not only that, but they’ll dramatically limit the number of Christian immigrants and refugees that are allowed to come into the United States.
God: [Scoffs] Hah-no way my people will let that happen. They love their brothers and sisters around the globe! I really doubt your plan will work, but go on.
Satan: This person also will discourage people from stewarding your creation, and instead will reward people who pollute the air, water, and soil.
God: [Shaking head] I’m sure by now my people in America will know better than to let that happen, but sure. Go on.
Satan: The key to my plan is this–I will deceive your people into affiliating so strongly with this person, that many of them will refuse to hear even the smallest criticism. They’ll call true statements about wrongdoing “fake”, and believe any embellishment that makes this person look good. It’ll get to the point, that people will lie about the truth in legal proceedings, even after swearing an oath on a Bible!
God: Look, I’m really struggling to believe you’ll get my entire Church in the US to actually follow this person.
Satan: Well, no, it won’t be everyone. Some will denounce this person, and others will vote for them only reluctantly and half-heartedly. But I figure if I can get a high enough percentage of your people (especially if they’re prominent figures in the Church) to publicly worship, whole-heartedly support, and even lie for this person, it will make you look so bad, that you’ll see a whole generation flat-out rejecting your son Jesus and the Church.
God: Wow. That is ambitious. But OK–you gotta tell me who you have in mind for this plan. This feels too far-fetched, who are you thinking?And which political party?
Satan: I’ll tell you, but I’m keeping it a bit secret right now, so keep it under wraps for now: [Satan whispers the person’s name in a low voice].
God: Hahahahha—You’re kidding right? THAT person?!Running in THAT party?
Satan: It’ll work!
God: No way. But I’ll tell you what. You have my permission to go ahead and try your plan. If my people in the US actually are deceived by this person, then they deserve every last judgment that is coming to them. I’ll let you sift each of them as wheat, to see whether their faith will fail–and if it does, whether or not they will turn back to me.
[I find it fascinating that a significant portion of Jesus’ teachings are in the form of parables: simple narratives used to illustrate a moral or spiritual lesson. More frequently than logical arguments, sermons, or speeches, Jesus utilizes the power of story to communicate truths to his followers. Despite that, modern Christians often prioritize logic over narrative. In order to push back against that a little bit, here is one of my past attempts to communicate a truth about God via a parable. I have titled it “Master Yoda.” ]
Master Yoda? Credit: British Library
A young Jedi Knight once sent a request for a meeting with Master Yoda. Master Yoda sent back a message– “Meditating, I am, in the Room of a Thousand Fountains.” Not wishing to disturb, the young Jedi waited. The next day, he sent the same request. This time, Yoda replied: “In the training room, I am.” The next day, the young Jedi sent his request a third time. This time, Yoda wrote: “Eating in the cafeteria, I am.” Annoyed at Master Yoda for dodging his request, the young Jedi Knight gave up.
Weeks later, the same young Jedi ran into Yoda in the Main Atrium. Yoda asked him why they had never had a meeting. Exasperated, the young man cried out, “Because you always had an excuse! You never made time for me.” Yoda slowly shook his head. “My child, sadly mistaken you are. My heart was to see you, and I told you where to find me. Wanted you to join me, I did. Sad was I, when you never showed.”
